A Field Guide
to the March Meet Drag Fan
the March Meet may be known for being the year's
biggest gathering of Nostalgia cars, what you
may not know is that it is also the biggest
gathering of some of Mother Nature's strangest
and most unusual creatures. You think I'm kidding?
Look at the people who you see walking around
Famoso Raceway. I can guarantee you will not
see anything like them anywhere else. Not at
the Mall of the Americas, not at Disneyland,
and certainly not at any other drag race. Believe
me, the March Meet is a Nitro-fueled Galapagos
Island with bizarre and overly-trusting mutations
of the semi-familiar species that we know and
Really, the only thing that surpasses the racing excitement at the Patch is
the thrill-a-minute people watching. Forget about betting on who's going to
win Nostalgia Eliminator 27, it's far more entertaining to wager your
friends that you'll be the first to spot a chickie teetering on 6" high
stilettos as she pretends to back up a car or see how many times you can get
a nouveau rockabilly guy to say "cat" in one conversation.
As your Marlon Perkins, let me be your soft-spoken narrator as we watch my
assistant Jim wrestle the fauna of Famoso. I've braved the wilds of the
Patch and assembled a handy printable guide to the various species in their
Beersucker (Drunkoff Hisassus) -
One of the most plentiful creatures you will
find at the March Meet is the Red-Bellied Beersucker.
This species is easily identified by the distinctive
red or blue plastic cup held in its hand and
the unusual circuitous gait taken when wandering
the pits. Although the majority of them can
be seen congregating near the beer stands, the
more resourceful alphas of this species have
found watering-holes closer to the race cars
where they can secure their favored diet merely
by using their unique calls of "I'm a friend
of your friend, (fill in name of friend here)"
followed by "So, where's the cooler, dude?"
Another inimitable trait of this breed is its display. Early in the morning,
the Red-Bellied Beersucker will remove its T-shirt to proudly puff out its
pale yet prominent abdomen. Throughout the day, this abdomen will change in
coloration from pale white to pink and finally, by sundown, a deep crimson.
A rare sub-mutation of this species is the Lesser Drag Journalist
(Credentiali Moochus) who displays the same gait and diet proclivities but
not the scarlet abdomen. With a very small home range, these can rarely
survive in a habitat which extends farther than a few yards from a gas
engine-powered margarita blender.
The Common Bimbo
(Trackea Trollopus) - Identified by scanty,
yet gaily-colored plumage, the Common Bimbo
can be found making mating displays near the
pits of the Nostalgia Top Fuel cars.
Although the Common Bimbo can sometimes be seen stalking in groups of two or
three, natural selection has determined that the better hunters lure prey
more effectively while solitary.
A sub-species, the Common Rockabilly Bimbo (Wannabe Bettiipageus),
congregates solely near Rat Rods and can be identified by long black hair
with short bangs and anti-authoritarian tattoos exactly like all the other
anti-authoritarian tattoos displayed by members of this sub-species.
Greaser (Rockabillius Falsis) - Closely
related to the Common Rockabilly Bimbo is the
Black-Headed Greaser. This breed can also be
found near the Rat Rods and has formed intense
social bonds by assuming species-specific markings
- white t-shirts with rolled sleeves, Levis
with rolled cuffs and slick dyed black hair.
These identical markers signify that the member
of this species is an "individual" and a "rebel"
and is clearly "not like anyone else."