(I’m not sure I want to put this screed under that hallowed signature but as the great metaphysician Johnny Mathis said, “It’s Not For Me To Say.”
Bakersfield turns 50, but who’s counting (words)?
Remember when we were last communicating and I jumped off on some mad run... you know, time in the hospital, near death experiences, nuns squawking into cell phones and grimacing, “knock this problem out.” Well, if you’re not in the shallow end of the pool you will recall that we were going to deal with the upcoming 50th anniversary of the Bakersfield race in Famoso, California, utilizing “The Fat Journalistic Five” -- the Who, What, Where, When and the Why the F*ck recorded in 1960 at Wand Records at 1650 Broadway in downtown NYCeeeeeee! Don’t correct me Jim, I know my Doo-Wop history... “Can’t Help Loving That Gal Of My Mine... The Hideaways on Ronni 1000.
You messin’ with El Diablo, hombre!!! “D’a Bullshit” by Redman? I need a stool. (Not that kind). Jesus requires a Carta Banca. STTOPPPP!!!!!! On to the task at hand.
That’s what’s happening here with one important proviso. Burk has these ancient VHS tapes of me, zebra-skin grope harnesses on the ceiling at the Drunken Cardinal Motel, Osama and me at Ethyl’s in O’Fallon, blaaaah, blaah, extra-cetera. The beautiful bastard was leveraging me.
“Son, here’s the DEAL. KEEP IT CLOSE TO A THOUSAND WORDS. I want a Bakersfield 50 year anniversary at a 1,000 word-per-pop tempo. Anything else leads to a crushed hand.” Okay, I get it.
The whole reason Bakersfield existed in the first place was, you know who, mean old “Big Daddy” Garlits. The ultimate “you-think-you-can-kick-my-ass” guy... my car will beat your car to that green Buick near the A&W Root Beer sign. Step up tough guy. NOT SO EASY.
The 1959 Bakersfield race came out because of what some overrated hillbilly did in Florida in the late 1950s, Trouble was Garlits wasn’t overrated. He was a genuine pain in the ass.
History: An original, mint condition, non-faded bright red, wool, moth-less Lions Drag Strip AA/Gas Supercharged class record holder jacket. This is not some recreation, but the Real McCoy in perfect condition! A 1968 coat awarded to members of "Big John" Mazmanian’s team and that "Little Richard" on the right breast is Richard Siroonian. Suffice to say, there are precious few in existence and this particular sweetie has been worn less than a half dozen times (all by Chris Martin). The late Steve Evans found it on a coat hanger in the Lion's Tower just before the wrecking ball splintered the joint in the 1970s and took it home. Years later, he was cleaning out his closet, saw it, didn't want it, offered to me (Chris Martin), and I took it. He’s passed away and I'm broke, so it's being offered to you ... at a price.
Garlits was not impressed with these roadblocks. He legitimately was a badass. To wit: In 1957, Garlits earthquaked a huge 8.76, 176.40 on November 10 at Brooksville, Florida, light years ahead of the competition. Drag racers, being as competitive as they are, had a little problem swallowing that and it followed that “Big Daddy’s” efforts were going to be challenged. After all, some nothing-happening guy in Florida all of a sudden pulls up these big numbers, and we’re ‘sposed to believe it. Let’s see him do it out here or, if that’s too long a drive, at some neutral site in the middle of the country.
Consider, from May 1958 to June 1, Garlits ran 8.98, 8.97, 8.99 and an 8.99 in Kissimmee, Florida. Outside of Emory Cook in Cliff Bidwell’s dragster, no one had run 8’s. If he’s that good, someone out there oughta try his ass out... and they did.
The first bloodletting occurred at Bob Bartels’ ATAA World Series of Drag Racing Show at Cordova Dragway in 1957. Garlits did have a rep but it was somewhat tempered because he really hadn’t been out of Florida. Bartels’ race was a real good place to see what’s what. What’s what? “Big Daddy” kicked ass on the vaunted Cook & Bedwell dragster... outside of Florida!! He broke against Setto Postoian in the Top Eliminator final, but a message had been delivered: MoFo’s good. He did better than average at Cordova, let’s see how he does with the California cats, the guys who pitched the line “if it didn’t happen in California, it didn’t happen.”
