But back to the rental car phenomenon. Things really went berserko in the '60s, when you could rent cars like the Ford Mustang GT350H—a special Hertz deal. Hertz unwittingly put would-be racers in the driver's seat, and more than a few renters slapped on a helmet, went to the local road course track and promptly rolled the 'Stang into a ball. One slick dude even hired a tow truck to pick up the wreck and dump it on the shoulder of a highway, where he claimed the car went out of control and rolled after he was cut off by a bus, because Hertz insurance didn't cover him on the track. Hertz seems to be a glutton for punishment, as they’ve now come back renting Shelby GT-Hs.
Thrifty also got into the act in the '80s, by renting Shelby Shadow CSXs. When we tested one of these potent little bombs, we had no trouble in getting all four wheels off the ground.
But that's not to say that you can't have some sinful fun with bread-and-butter rentolas. There's no telling what a car will do when pushed to its limits. One guy we know, proved that an ordinary Plymouth Acclaim could go places off-road that even Jeeps feared to tread. Of course, you need to have a rather large set of brass sphericals balls to smash a car's undercarriage pancake-flat over boonie boulders, through soupy mud, rib-cage pounding 6-ft. jumps—and a whole bunch more, and then return the car matter-of-factly with "600 miles and a half-tank of gas."
Which brings me to the point of all this rambling. You know about the “Nationals” that are out there: Mopar Nationals, Street Rod Nationals, Loudest Horn Nats, Car Stereo Nationals (the person with the greatest hearing loss during the event wins), and Hardest
Door Slam Nats.
But there's no Rental Car Nationals.
One thing we've noticed in our years of attending car events, is the poor soul who walks around wishing he had a car with which he could compete—be it show car judging, drag racing or even just parking (Parking Nationals). Well, now with something like a Rental Car Nats, anyone with the price of admission can compete.
‘Course, this is just a thought—a fantasy. We’re not actually advocating this idea, because the rental car lawyers would be down on us in a flash and convert DRO into a pretzel factory. So this is just pure speculation, which, after reading the U.S. Constitution a few times (with all the amendments), I think we’re allowed to do without having to go to jail for 20 years.
Maybe a Rental Car Nats (or movie about the same) could include something like this: There could be two parts—a field competition (the actual "events"), and rental office competition where you're judged on the story you tell (content and delivery) to the ever-smiling counter girl, when you return the rental car.
The events at the track could be judged primarily on creative abuse. Just smashing the car into a wall—or each other, demo derby style—is pretty sick (you could get some points for "sick"), but you could get more points for being creative. For example, we've illustrated here an artist’s fantasy conception of a Rental Car Push-O'-War (we’d never dream of actually doing anything like this.) You've seen trucks doing a tug 'o' war, but pushers, with front-drivers, look to be a bunch more interesting.
Standard fare could be rev-limiter neutral drops, 100 MPH auto trans downshifts to see how much you can scramble computer chips and how many parts come out the back, 85 MPH shifts into "Park," to get the best scream of tortured metal. We could go on and on, but you get the idea.
If anyone out there is foolish enough to actually want to promote a Rental Car Nats, count us out. We don’t want anything to do with it. But we’d be happy to sell you an ad.
Yeah, and one last thing—don’t forget to check off the “extra damage insurance” option.
